The Final Word

by: Michael Upston, LCSW

In the 1980's, when I was first being introduced to psychotherapy and self-help literature, there was a lot of talk of “healthy” families.  I was told healthy families do this and don’t do that, etc. Quite frankly, the only thing I really knew about healthy families was that, at least as they were being described, I didn't know any.  Wherever the healthy families were, it wasn't in the world in which I lived. Over the years, as I become older and hopefully wiser, I have come to believe that there are no “healthy” families, at least not in some ideal sense.  All the families that I know have areas of strength and areas of dysfunction - areas in which they do well, and areas in which they need to grow.  

There is a Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi. From this perspective the imperfection of an object is not seen as a blemish, but something which contributes to its beauty.  Truthfully, if the world was full of “healthy” families, it would probably be pretty boring and superficial.  In the same vein, if our individual lives didn't have struggles, they wouldn't have nearly the same meaning and value that they do.  As the Buddhists remind us, the lotus flower needs the mud.

I think this mindset can help us with the situation we now find ourselves in.  The coronavirus is the challenge of the current era, and its impact has negatively affected people in very real and significant ways.  All of us need a lot of help and support as we go through these uncharted waters.  We are all figuring it out as we go along.  An essential aspect of coping strategies is that they provide us with ways to feel more empowered.  In one form or another, all of the coping strategies discussed in these recent blogs involve taking power away from the coronavirus by not giving it the final word, not letting it define the narrative of what is happening to us.

An important step in overcoming trauma and hardship is giving the experience meaning by finding something of value in it.  Many people who have struggled with mental health issues give their situation meaning by helping others with similar problems.  Many recovering alcoholics use their experience to help other people recover from alcohol addiction.  By this I don’t mean to suggest that the coronavirus is good. This pandemic has been awful for all of us.  Many people have lost their lives and livelihood.  None of that is good, but that doesn't mean that we can’t fight back by making something good come out of it.  

The French philosopher Albert Camus wrote about what he called heroic defiance.  This involves standing up to, defying, the seemingly senseless and tragic situations we at times face, and we ultimately do this by finding meaning and value in them.  This can be done by discovering in this crisis a way to serve others, or to connect deeper with our families, or to grow as people.  There are many forms this can take, but doing this gives us the opportunity to have the final word, to declare a form of victory, to take power back.  We see this in the lives of all the medical and other front-line workers who continue to put themselves at risk every day.  We also see this in the rest of us who continue to put one foot in front of the other as we day by day walk bravely forward through these uncertain times.